Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We left an ass print on the piano.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
