Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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