I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
