come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
When did angry sex become our thing?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
