Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
