I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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