he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
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I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
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My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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