my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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