we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
