I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
