he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
