I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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