And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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