I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
