He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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