There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
