i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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