No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
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i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
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It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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