Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
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Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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