did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
