I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
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If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
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A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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