So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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