he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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