just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
