ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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