you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
