You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
