I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just found a bag of teeth...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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