just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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