i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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