someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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