just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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