I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
