Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
