I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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