I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
