god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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