I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
