so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
