How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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