too bad you live with your parents still
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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