A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
