i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
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Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
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My liver is preforming stress tests.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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