Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
