I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
