two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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