There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
