I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
