so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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