wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
