and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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