is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
