So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
