You're a womanizer and a bitch.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
