Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
