I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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